Ika Willis, University of Melbourne
When my father died, we put him in the ground.
When my father died, it was like a whole library burned down.
Laurie Anderson, ‘World Without End’
I.
Books were always the connection between my father and me. He read me J. D. Salinger’s short stories. He fed me Wodehouse and Shakespeare. His favourite Wodehouse story was ‘Lord Emsworth and the Girl-Friend’, set at Blandings Castle on the day it opens its grounds to the schoolchildren of Blandings Parva for their annual treat: the castle’s owner, Lord Emsworth, forges an unlikely alliance with a small working-class girl called Gladys against the forces of conformity and uncomfortable clothing embodied by Emsworth’s sister/antagonist Constance. My dad, who had gone to boarding schools and Oxford University on scholarships, was both Lord Emsworth and Gladys: a gentle, unworldly, inconstant man lost, and quietly resentful, in an upper-class milieu, and a small angry working-class kid.
I could read when I was three. I read The Hobbit when I was five and Pride and Prejudice when I was eight and Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights when I was ten and when I was sixteen I went to see Macbeth on my own because it was a play my father and I had read together, and now he was thousands of miles away and I was at boarding school myself. (No, I didn’t understand Pride and Prejudice when I was eight, but I did understand what counted as ‘reading’ to my dad, who was never very clear on the difference between adults and children – or perhaps it was that he never came to terms with the irritating tendency of children not to be adults.)
So I was never too young for most books, but there were a few that my father always said I mustn’t read till I was sixteen, or eighteen; that I wouldn’t understand until I was older. Three of those books have a particular memory-frisson around them, and they formed a strange set in my mind: King Lear; William Styron’s Holocaust novel Sophie’s Choice; and the less well-known erotic-literary-horror novel The Girl in a Swing, one of the few books about humans by Richard ‘Watership Down’ Adams. The Girl in a Swing is about the romance between an uptight Englishman, Alan Desland, and a Danish woman, Karin Forster, who is (perhaps literally) a sex goddess.
I read them all some time in my teens. They were pretty different as books and they all landed differently. King Lear is awesome, obviously, and is now deeply assimilated into my mental architecture. The Girl in A Swing is a great book for a teenager learning how to read critically: it’s full of subtle connections and hidden meanings and Greek puns that you can spot excitedly and proudly underline. Sophie’s Choice is a misogynistic piece of shit.
II.
Within days of my father’s death in 2011, when I was thirty-six, I found out that my mother was not his first wife, but his third, and I was not his second child, but his fourth, and I realised what these books have in common: they are all about parents who abandon – or, in the case of The Girl in a Swing, murder – a child. Cordelia; Eva Zawistowska; Karin Forster’s unnamed daughter. This was what I would always be too young to be told.
III.
Because of the unliterary, contingent events of my father’s life, these books came together in 2011 to form a tiny genre, like the ‘women-in-pain books’ that ‘became a routine part of the… generic mapping of modern literature’ for the Leisure Learning Group in Houston studied in the 1980s by Elizabeth Long (2003: 132), or the books themed around risk that cluster together in the library borrowing records of settlers in early twentieth-century Lambton, New South Wales (Lamond 2014).
We read texts in relation to the conventions of their genre: the theorist and literary critic E. D. Hirsch goes so far as to say that ‘all understanding of verbal meaning is necessarily genre-bound’ (76). Genre works like the screen or filter that Carlo Ginzburg writes about in his historical exploration of the reading practices of a sixteenth-century miller and heretic, Menocchio: ‘a screen that he unconsciously placed between himself and the printed page: a filter that emphasized certain words while obscuring others’ (1980: 33). Ginzburg sees this filter as a ‘distortion’ or a misreading of the ‘text itself’, but Tony Bennett (1983) sees it as a generative process, a making-visible of a potential in the text, like the multispectral imaging that enables us to read obscured words in medieval or ancient manuscripts. Or like Jonathan Safran Foer’s Tree of Codes, which cuts out a new story from the words of Bruno Schulz’s The Street of Crocodiles.
I see it that way too.
Filtered through each other, then, the three books my father asked me not to read, in case I misunderstood, make visible a certain set of conventions for this microgenre. For example: the person who abandons the child is a tragic hero. It is their suffering we focus on. (The novel is called Sophie’s Choice, not Eva’s Death.) The child’s abandonment comes about because of huge, political forces: the dissolution of a kingdom, a genocide. In one book the reason seems smaller, it’s true: in The Girl in a Swing, Karin murders her daughter because of a throwaway remark that Alan makes about being less than comfortable with the idea of marrying someone with a child. But Adams scales up the action – makes it primal, even cosmic – through the novel’s supernatural elements which suggest, among other things, that Karin is an incarnation of a goddess of sex in all its destructive power: Aphrodite, or, increasingly, as the book goes on, Kali.
IV.
This is a paradigmatically ‘wrong’ way to read. Conspiracist, dehistoricised, assigning agency and meaning to the wrong person, I read these novels, this Shakespeare tragedy, as messages from my father to me. But it’s also one of the ways we do read: books reach us (via recommendations, gifts, association) always already embedded in broader social and emotional relationships which orient us towards their contents in a certain way. When I read a book you loved, I am looking for what you loved in the book. I am looking for you.
V.
Around the anniversary of my father’s death this year, this Guardian piece did the rounds on Bluesky: a startup that aims to eliminate grief by recreating our loved ones from their social media posts.
Leaving aside the absurd notion of my father (born 1933, stopped engaging in the world circa 1996) posting on social media, I find it hard to believe that anything based on his public persona could ever, authentically, sound like him. And anyway, of course, such a recreation of my father would not be able to answer the questions I have for him, because he did not speak publicly, or at all, about his first two children.
In the end, though, I do know what story my father told himself about the children he abandoned. I know because he left me letters about it, letters to be opened in the event of his death, letters that only became visible as letters when I had the right filter to apply to the printed pages of three particular books.
This is a passage from the end of The Girl in a Swing. Karin has died, and Alan, her widower, now knows that she killed her child to be with him. His mind turns to another mysterious couple in his family’s past (‘And what was the truth, I wonder about Armand and Jeanette Leclerc?’) but realises the answer is: ‘No telling’.
No telling. And I – I am left alone with No Telling. What I know I can tell to no one – not to my mother, not to my beloved sister or my priest. No Telling has set me apart, solitary as the sleepless King of the Grove, the slave of Nemi with his drawn sword…
No Telling. To have a grim and bitter secret from those dearest to me – to carry it alone, always – where shall I find strength for this? (388)
This struck me as exquisitely poignant and profound when I read it at fourteen, in tears. In tears now, at forty-nine, it strikes me as deeply self-aggrandising, self-justifying, and disingenuous.
But honestly, it also sounds just like my dad.
References
Bennett, Tony (1983) ‘Texts, Readers, Reading Formations’, The Bulletin of the Midwest Modern Language Association, 16:1.
Ginzburg, Carlo (1980 [1976]) The Cheese and the Worms: The Cosmos of a Sixteenth-century Miller, trans. John and Anne Tedeschi, London: Routledge and Kegan Paul.
Hirsch, E. D (1967) Validity in Interpretation, New Haven and London: Yale University Press.
Lamond, Julieanne (2014) ‘Forgotten Books and Local Readers: Popular Fiction in the Library at the Turn of the Twentieth Century’, Australian Literary Studies, 29(3).
Long, Elizabeth (2003) Book Clubs: Women and the Uses of Reading in Everyday Life, Chicago: University of Chicago Press.